In my last post, I spoke about the explosion of new learning experienced during a PhD. One of my greatest learnings was that I am not as brave as I thought!
I have always seen myself as risk-taker - someone open to adventure and willing to speak my mind. But the PhD journey, and my developing understanding of risk-taking, has made me realise the finer points of my own bravery (or lack thereof).
A brave adventurer
Over the years people have told me that I'm brave because of the cycling, climbing and travelling adventures I have embarked on. Being told that I'm brave made me feel like I was.
But I have realised that for me these activities haven't necessarily felt risky. For others, cycling down an empty road in a foreign country may take courage. But for me, these adventures have been mostly filled with excitement rather than bravery.
Speaking my mind
I have always thought that I wasn't shy in speaking my mind. I know this because it's gotten me into trouble in the past!
But recently, I've become aware that my courage to stand up for myself and others has been fading. I realise there were times I could have been braver - that sometimes I choose not to say or do, because of fear; fear of being perceived in a particular way, fear of being dismissed or disliked. The times I have plucked up the courage, I have dwelt on negative outcomes rather than embrace the learning.
Why?
Perhaps my new-found risk aversion was because of my position at the bottom of the academic ladder? Perhaps it was the uncertainty of my physical abilities following my hip replacement? Perhaps it was because I was over 40? Or maybe it was a combination of all three?
This fear and trepidation came to a head late last year in what is commonly known as 'the post-PhD blues'. It's that feeling that makes you question who you are, what have you been doing for the past four years and why? I wondered - Where do I now fit? Am I a researcher? Am I a teacher? What do I actually want to do with my life?
Finding courage again
But life has its way of working things out. Fate sometimes takes control and leads you to where you are meant to be.
I am in a new job now. It's a job I didn't know I wanted, until I saw the ad. Then I knew...I knew I wanted it with all my hope.
When I imagined myself in it, I thought maybe it could lead me back to me - maybe even a better version of me. Maybe a brave and one wardrobe kind of me.
Now that I'm in it, I think my intuition was right. It fits, and it challenges me in all the right ways. It draws on my past and it leads me forward - to grow and create.
And it has made me realise, that courage has always been with me - although hiding, for a brief moment in time - it is courage that helped me get here, where I am today.
m x